Cardboard Spaceship

Summary of 2011 for Me.

Well, the good ole Daily Mash have done it again.  I have my sumary comment for this year courtesy of Psychic Bob, their horoscope master.

"Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As 2011 draws to a close, you look back on the preceding 11 months and wonder whether 2010 told this year that you had bareback loveplay with its mother."

Actually, I'm Leo, but this sums it up for me.  As to astrology, I think that the Punch cartoon from the 1980's capures the essence.  There's a middle aged chap staring at the television, which is obviously running the news, as the newscaster says:

”The practice of astrology took a major step toward achieving credibility today when, as predicted, everyone born under the sign of Scorpio was run over by an egg lorry”.

Quite.

About Being Wrong - I Fail in Diagnosis of Internet iPad Problem...

I was foaming below about a new iPad that I got yesterday, and how come it was lacking basic elements of functionality.  Read on to see how we can sometimes reach completely the wrong conclusions, and so should spend life being modest and thoughtful in the face of other's assumed mistakes...   

This is what I was writing...

"In my job, I have to demonstrate the SAP applications, and the "user experience" is a big part of that.  On the PC and so on, SAP has been well understood for a long time, but with the Sybase acquisition, a lot of emphasis is now moving to things like Blackberry, iPhone, and iPad. 

I was sent a mail saving that I must order one so that I could get up to speed, and start seeing what we can use for banking on the platform.  Bottom line, SAP insists I get a free iPad.  Nightmare, eh?

Lovely, lovely piece of kit. I was not that convinced until I really used it, and it seems to be really very special, and knocks the Blackberry mobile thang into a cocked hat. 

I was lying in bed this morning, still recuperating, with full Internet access, and I then went and did something else, and came back later. 

Safari refuses to believe it is connected to the Internet, despite a working Wi-Fi connection that had offered access some minutes before, otherwise unchanged, and despite my best efforts, it refuses point blank to believe there is an Internet connection.  This is not isolated, we had the same problem yesterday in SAP Lausanne, and I see many complaints about this on the support forums. I've booted the router, the iPad, refreshed network and other settings, and so on.  Nada.  Zilch.

How can you get something as basic as a Wi-Fi connection refresh wrong?  It obviates the whole brilliance of the concept!   That's always what I have felt about Apple stuff, brilliant, until it isn't, and then there's nothing you can do with it.  I had a not dissimilar feeling when I bought a 27 inch iMac, that quickly went back to the (very professional and exceptionally helpful) shop."

STOP THE PRESS!

Turns out that the people demolishing the kitchen have cut the phone cable, by accidentally, as my son used to say.   Now that really would make the Internet unreachable, unless the electrons decide to form some kind of ant line across the smashed tiles to ensure my surfy goodness.  Unlikely.

Sorry Apple!  Your brilliance remains undiminished, and I should look broader for causes.  What a laugh!  I was actually reassured when Mrs Spaceship told me that, as I had begun to seriously think I was loosing my tech mojo...

F-22 and F-35 Jet Fighters ALL Grounded...

I saw in the middle of a long Internet noodling session, where I was looking for the latest financial news, this little, totally unrelated, gem:  Both the US advanced fighters, the F-22 Raptor, and the F-35 Lightning are completely grounded due to technical SNAFUs.  The F-22 oxygen system doesn't work, and the F-35 has a serious electrical fault. 

Wow, 80 billion dollars worth of lawn ornaments.  Might be seen as being a bit inconvenient, but fortunately they are designed to fight other superpowers, not AK-47 and RPG wielding locals, so that's OK then. 

That also goes well for the UK, as they have contracted to build two useless aircraft carriers, and they are to be filled, eventually, with the F-35, so that looks like having non-functional aircraft carriers with non-functional aircraft, for a non-specified purpose. 

Result. 

Thank God I moved to a land-locked country.

Escalade - Mad Disguises

Wow, I think it has been the busiest December I can remember for ages.  Finally, though, the decks have cleared a little. 

Recently, we had the Escalade here in Geneva, which celebrates the defeat of the Duc de Savoie, who wanted to take over troublesomely Protestant Geneva, and make it part of his Catholic domains.  He was defeated by a woman pouring hot soup over the head of the troops coming up the siege ladder. 

To celebrate this, Genevan children dress up in disguises, and eat a chocolate pot filled with Marzipan vegetables.  No, it doesn't make any sense, but hey!  Why not?

Here is the Smallest Space Cadet of them All, who went, at his suggestion, as Phantom of the Opera.

Good Effort.

The teachers of the school went as a bunch of mushrooms, which worked really well. 

But the prize went to one fo the kid's in the SSCOTA's class, who went as Borat...

Outstanding, but Borat?  I mean, theoretically, he shouldn't even have seen the film...

EU Situation Summarised

Given the dramatic nature of events in the EU, what we need is an executive summary.  This one is doing the rounds, I saw it in the Guardian, source unknown to me, but kudos to whomever it is.

A Very Fruity Product

Wondering round one of the local supermarkets in France when I found this gem...

Those of you who do not speak French, will be delighted to find that the thing in question is "rich in juice," and has "not been treated since being plucked."  Marvellous. 

Selection of the Fifty Best Jokes

The good ole Daily Torygraph has an article about the fifty best jokes of all time, which is worth a read if you're needing cheered up.  Some classics:

"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

"Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant."

"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."

Dah-dah-dah-dohm!  Exeunt Omnes.

Tractor Joke

Writing the previous post reminded of a rather unusual joke.

There is a guy in the Highlands of Scotland who is mad keen on farm machinery, and tractors in particular.  He reads Tractor Monthly, and knows all the facts and figures about tractors ancient and modern.  One issue there is a competition, "Answer these ten obscure tractor questions, and win an all expenses paid trip to the Earl's Court Tractor Show."

Well, no man better for the job, and so he wrote in, and to his delight, won the contest. 

Duly, he goes down to London, and goes to this nirvana of agricultural machinery.  Before him is a magnificent vista of stands.  Barely able to conceal his eagerness he goes over the John Deere stand, and starts asking questions to the sales rep.  The sales rep listens to his first question, nods, looks him right in the eye and says:

"Fuck off, you time wasting Jock hick."

He goes to the Magirus Deutz stand, and gets the same rude shoddy treatment.  In a state of shock he stumbles over the Massey Ferguson stand where, if anything, they are even more breath-takingly rude. 

Our hero, a simple soul raised to be polite and mannerly reels out of the exhibition hall, and goes to have a cup of tea in the cafe opposite. 

He is sitting there reflecting glumy about his treatment, when suddenly a huge fire breaks out in the kitchen filling the cafe with smoke and flame.  He runs out into the street, and looks back at the fire.  To his utter horror, a young woman and her child seem to be trapped.  Unhesitatingly, he runs back into the building, and breathes out, and then in one go breathes in all the smoke, clearing the air of the cafe, letting the pair escape.  He staggers back out into the street and blows out the huge cloud of smoke he had sucked up.

"My God!" said a bystander, "that was amazing, how on earth did you manage that?"

"It was easy because...."

"I'm an ex-tractor fan."

No?  Glad you got this far?  Right.

Untranslatable Joke about Aging

I told someone the restaurant joke about aging, and she told me a really good joke that is more or less untranslatable, but here goes. 

All of the ages of sex can be covered by the acronym "MMS". 

In your twenties, it is "matin, midi, soir"  (morning noon and night.)

In your thirties it is "mardi, mercredi, samedi"  (Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday)

In your forties it is "mars, mai, septembre" (March May, September"

In your fifties it is "mes meilleures souvenirs" (my fondest memories.)

Laugh?  I nearly started. 

Really Bad Tourist Photo

I was in Cairo a couple of weeks ago, and I did see the pyramids!  From the back of a speeding Cairo taxi, at dusk, from the main road between Luxor and the centre of town.  So, if dear reader you are embarrassed about the fact that you constantly have the top of people's head missing from family photos, and so on, worry not, you're likely doing better than this tourist shot.

But I DID see them.